My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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