Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
