He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
