your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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