i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
