Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
