Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
