I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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