loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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