i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
