I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
