i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
