i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
