someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
