I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
