I want to walk on stilts...naked
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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