I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
There's always time for handjobs
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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