If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Randomize
