Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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