my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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