I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
