I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
