Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
