saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
