Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
