I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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