You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
