I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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