Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
