my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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