It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
