i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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