so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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