After last night, I could never be a politician.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
