FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
