So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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