I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
