I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
