He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
