the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
