I accidentally had phone sex last night
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend