We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"