Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.