So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
