i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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