My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Randomize
