I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
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