if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
