Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I didn't notice because vodka
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
