u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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