All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
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