Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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