Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
