I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
