Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
