help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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