what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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