I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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