I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
just tell him i said nine months
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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